Why is it Spider-man gets to save New York from being blown up and Superman stops Luthor from sinking California into the ocean, but Catwoman's big dilemma is preventing a deadly cosmetic from making it to market? And just when did she become a hero anyway? Although, to be honest, these questions are the least of this movie's worries. A more pertinent one might be, who approved this script in the first place?
In this latest reinvention of the Catwoman story, Halle Berry stars as Patience Phillips, a mousey little graphic designer at a large cosmetics company. While making a late night delivery of some artwork, she accidentally overhears some information about an anti-aging cream that her company will soon be releasing. It seems that not only is the cream addictive, but if you ever do stop using it, you'll die. Is that a message to plastic surgery obsessed Hollywood?
Patience is killed for her discovery, in a too long and tensionless chase scene since her death is already given away at the beginning of the film. She is brought back to life by a group of cats, led by Midnight who possesses a connection to the Egyptian goddess Bast. With her memory foggy about the night before, Patience – now Catwoman – must retrace her steps and try to figure out who had her killed and why.
While Halle does a decent – not great -- job in the lead role, the material she's given to work with is limiting. The love story between Patience and Police Detective Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt) never gets off the ground, which isn't surprising considering what a weak character his is. Her scenes as Catwoman are the most entertaining, although she doesn't put on the suit until nearly a third of the way into the movie, and a majority of those involve CGI, with – unfortunately -- the transition from actor to cartoon being painfully obvious. She does get to strut her stuff in a tight and shredded leather outfit, flicking her whip, and talking catty, but she looks more like a porn star than a superhero.
The supporting cast members are all completely forgettable, from Patience's annoying work friend to Bratt's dull cop. Sharon Stone as Laurel, the aging model, and Patience's boss, manages to present the only character with any depth, at least at the beginning before she turns into just another cartoon character.
At the very least, I had hoped this movie would be a camp classic, but it's not even entertaining enough to be that. There are moments of pure ridiculousness, like when Lone identifies Patience as Catwoman by matching the shape of lipstick left on a glass with the shape of lipstick left on his cheek, but these moments are just plain groan inducing rather than funny.
This is big-budget cheesiness built around the idea of getting Halle Berry into a sexy outfit, and while it accomplishes that, it fails on every other level. In the hierarchy of catwomen, Michelle Pfeiffer has nothing to worry about, and for that matter, neither does Eartha Kitt or Lee Meriwether.
