Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

The Twilight movies are those kinds of movies where reviews won't really stop or encourage anyone from going to see them. Maybe if every single critic in the world raved about them then a few more people might see them than would have anyway, but no amount of criticism is ever going to stop the legion of fans of the books from going to see the films even if they are (and they are) really god awful. I know that I would never have seen New Moon if it wasn't for my wife being a fan of the books.

There's not very much plot in this second installment. It wants to have a Romeo and Juliet kind of vibe, but trust me, this isn't Shakespeare, it's more like filler, seeming to be more about setting up the rest of the series.

Instead of plot you get moping. Bella (the high school girl living in Forks, Washington who's in love with the vampire Edward) spends most of the movie moping because Edward has decided that the only way to keep her safe is to move away and never see her again. Even before he left though she mainly seemed to mope. Her and Edward never seem happy together, they rarely smile or laugh, they mainly just stare moodily into each others eyes.

During Bella's moping she keeps company with Jacob, the local teenage werewolf with the massive abs. There's a red-headed female vampire who wants Bella dead, but that subplot never really goes anywhere. Near the end of the film a group of regal vampires is introduced in Italy, but that subplot never really goes anywhere either. Obviously both of those stories are going to impact the later films, but they're just being introduced here.

The thing that annoys me the most about these movies is how everyone has these really amazing powers but none of them are happy about it. Oh woe is me, I'm going to be young and beautiful forever. That makes me so sad. I'm in love and can do whatever I want, but I think I'll be sad about that too. Is it any wonder that Bella wants to become a vampire? Especially this kind of pseudo-vampire with all of the benefits and none of the weaknesses. Only the villains seem to be enjoying themselves, which is why the Volturi clan is rather refreshing at the end of the film. They seem psychotic and morally ambiguous, but they seem to enjoy their work and not one of them is moping.

Of the leads Pattinson seems bored. Whatever appeal he has is apparently lost on me since I'm not an teenage girl. As I said, Stewart has little to do but mope, which seems to come naturally to her. It's in the scenes that require emotion that she seems to have trouble stirring herself. Only Lautner really has any personality of the three main characters. At least he's likable, which is more than can be said of the other two. If Bella had been absent from most of the story along with Edward, I might even have enjoyed this movie.

I know that because of my wife I will end up seeing all of these movies. I can only hope they get better going forward, but I'm not prepared to put any money on that.

I saw this movie several days ago, but have been waiting for Scott to review it. The plot is so completely dull that I had no interest in even writing about it. I agree with everything Scott wrote.

Obviously this is a chick flick, based on books written by a girl. As such, I found it to be an insight into the mind of women when it comes to romance. If this movie is indicative of most women then heaven help us. Bella is an emotional sado masochist. She falls for a vampire who tells her that her mere presence is torture for him. So of course she hangs out with him every chance she can. He tells her he has very strong desires to kill her. So of course she falls in love with him.

The werewolves are no different. Bella meets a girl who has a huge scar on her face caused by her boyfriend when he turned into a wolf. The girl still loves him. Jacob tells Bella to stay away from him because he is now prone to temper tantrums, and he could easily hurt her. Bella still hangs out with him, and leads him on, every chance she gets. According to these dipshit books, girls not only like bad guys but enjoy tempting them into doing stupid shit, that potentially could cause them both harm. What a great message to tell it's legion of teenage girl fans. It is okay to take abuse from your boyfriend as long as you love each other.

The love triangle should have been the center piece of the film, not just Bella. She is the least likable character in the film. Edward is thin, cold and pale. Jacob is muscular, hot blooded and tan. Bella is a selfish, moody bore. Both monsters have amazing abilities and experiences while she simply pouts, and bitches about growing old. Why the two opposite monsters want to be with such a lifeless girl only goes to show what a complete chick fantasy this is. They both provide her with excitement and adventure, while she brings nothing to either relationship but heartache.

So according to this movie, girls want to be with bad boys. They do not care if the relationship hurts anyone else. Love excuses any danger and common sense. The men should have to bring everything to the table while the girl merely has to show up. The world comes to an end if she has her feelings hurt, but it is okay to play with a guys infatuation. Once again, I am so glad I do not have a daughter.

I have yet to watch the first Twilight movie but after seeing this one I have no real desire to. I agree with my brothers that this is shallow, poorly written and overly dramatic drivel. Bella is a complete bore as is the eternally morose Edward.

What I can add differently from Eric and Scott is a gay man’s perspective. At the risk of sounding like a dirty old man I am totally on Team Jacob. Taylor Lautner has such a baby-face that he looks to be about twelve, but from the neck down he is a fully developed Greek God. Thankfully he spends most of the movie bare-chested. The best scenes were where he runs around the woods with his equally buffed and also shirtless wolf pack. I’ll even throw in an extra half star on his behalf.